31 Days of Listening {to Others}

My little girl is 4. Well, the older of my two daughters. But she will always be my little girl. Sweet Ellie Sue.

She is having surgery first thing tomorrow morning to have ear tubes put in and adenoids taken out. I'm thankful that this is what our next step is, after 5 ear infections in the last 3 months, fluid that won't go away, and countless allergy/asthma attacks and cold viruses. My sweet girl, how she suffers sometimes. This surgery should bring her relief in many ways, and I'm so thankful for the opportunity for her to have it.

For the last 2 weeks I've been trying to think about what it is like to be her. To be 4 years old, to be around 4 feet tall, with a little world that keeps getting bigger with each day that passes and with each experience she has, but still with so many unknowns. I have been trying to view this upcoming surgery from her perspective, in order to best anticipate her needs. I've been listening to her questions, and paying attention when she repeats back to us (or explains to others) what is about to happen. I've been putting a game plan together.

I think I've landed where most parents do.

A simple explanation of the surgery will suffice...

Ear tubes (like the ones your little sister has!) will help your ears to not hurt as much anymore. Those ear infections are painful, aren't they!? And it's annoying to always have to take medicine to try and get rid of them. At the hospital, they'll give you a mask with silly air that makes you fall asleep, and after they put your ear tubes in they will also take out your adenoids. We aren't really sure what those guys do anyways, except make it hard for you to be healthy when you get a cold. You'll be asleep the whole time and when you wake up, it will all be over and mommy will be with you. 

Picking out a new (clearance, ha!) nightgown to wear to the hospital, and saving it for that day, has given her something fun to anticipate rather than the surgery itself. We have also been calling the morning of the surgery her "special date with just mommy". I feel a little pathetic about this, but any alone time with either parent is automatically a 'date' to our kids no matter what the activity is, so we went with it. Breakfast date with mommy at the hospital (sans breakfast!)! HAHA.

Another simple explanation of what the recovery process will be like...

When we go back home, you get to eat as many popsicles and as much ice cream as you want for the rest of the day because your throat might be a little sore. Also, brave girls deserve a treat. And you are a brave girl. You will get to watch a new movie and rest on the couch. And then it's the weekend, and you know how much fun we have as a family together on the weekends! 

I hope I'm speaking my girl's language. I hope all of these thoughts and plans communicate loving care and protection over her. I hope I've learned to listen to my daughter well, anticipate her needs, and that when my actions speak to her, all she hears is "you are precious to me... you are loved and cared for."

Ellie, on the morning she asked Jesus into her heart this summer.

Precious daughter of the King, indeed.

31 Days of Listening {to the Spirit}

In our Bible Study at church right now we are working through a study called "Detox: Clearing the Way for Spiritual Wellness". It's designed for women specifically, and the chapters are divided up as issues that affect every one of us and keep us from being who God made us to be. We've worked through 2 chapters so far - Fear and Envy. And as you can imagine, it's not lighthearted. Even the chapters I think won't be as convicting end up revealing things in my life and heart that I didn't realize were there. It's connecting a lot of dots for me.

I've been constantly thinking about the relationships that exist between fear and faith, envy and contentment, and the more I mull it over the more the Holy Spirit seems to be opening my eyes. And I'm so thankful for that - when we ask the Lord to reveal things to us, He will! For me, this only happens when I've created space for Him, though. Quiet space. Empty space in my mind. I'm only given this once in my day, naturally - when I'm in the shower. And so I create it again every morning with a quiet time that starts well before my little ones wake up. I read somewhere that it's a good idea to start your quiet time with God by saying "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." (Was it Angie Smith?) I thought that was so beautiful - inviting the Lord to speak, and then sitting quietly. I've practiced this all summer, and have been humbled that my God would speak to me at all, much less open my eyes to things that have brought so much freedom where there was brokenness. He is such a good God.

I didn't think that I struggled with envy when I began our latest Bible Study chapter (which I completed at the beginning of the summer). And then I read the scripture verses that explained what an evil envy is, and how far its destruction reaches in our hearts and spills out into our lives and affects everything. I felt a catch in my spirit as I read about what the woman looks like who does NOT envy. Who is free to live in light of who God is, who isn't chained down by her unmet desires that have wreaked jealous havoc on her soul. That is when I realized that envy had a place in my heart, and was determined to root it out.

What I found wasn't pretty. I was envious of others, but not in obvious ways. A well hidden sin is still sin, though. The Spirit revealed to me that I envied the relationship dynamics of others. I envied the strengths and gifts that other women I admired had, and the ways that God was obviously using them.

The thing I am realizing about envy is that it can be very subtle. It can be born out of a God-given desire. We start with something that is pure - a desire to be used by God... to have spiritual gifts that He will use for His glory and kingdom purposes... companionship and intimacy in marriage... friendships that encourage us... to have children... to raise children that love the Lord... for health... to feel satisfied, protected, loved and full of joy... and yet, when these gifts aren't given to us when we expect them, after we've asked God for them, when they seem like things we have come to deserve, when everyone around us is receiving these gifts and we stand empty handed, the bitter root of jealousy begins to grow.

I had this happen over the summer. I was forcing God's had with a gift I thought I deserved, something I thought every believer was promised and something that I had been asking for for a very long time. It seemed like the time had come for this gift to be given to me, and the more I tried to make it happen, the more frustrated I grew. I saw other women around me who had been given this gift and lived with the joy of it almost daily. It makes me really sad to admit that I found it hard to be happy for them, while I struggled with empty hands and theirs were full. I wouldn't say I was angry at them, but my heart had an ache for what they had and each reminder was painful. A painful reminder that (from my perspective) God was withholding blessing from me.

Instead of running straight to the Lord, I consoled myself. "It's coming", I would say. "Keep working hard at this. Keep praying." But it wasn't something I could force into being. Not by my own strength, not by my own hand. My initial God-given desire, which was intended to be brought before Him, was turning into what I felt was a debt He owed me, a RIGHT that I had.

Eventually things broke apart. What followed was a day or two of the most intense sorrow I have ever felt. I trusted the Lord deep down in my soul, but I couldn't see how things would be pieced back together again. Where I once desired blessing and a good gift, now I just hoped for a little bit of healing. I couldn't stop the tears no matter how much I tried to pull myself together. After a day or so, I decided that God was God, and what He says is True, and because I love Him I will always submit to Him. And that meant laying this all out before Him. I put it on the altar and offered my hopes and dreams and desires to Him as a sacrifice. I told Him that I needed Him, I wanted Him more than I wanted the gift I had been seeking. And if He never gave it to me, I would still love and serve Him with my life and submit to Him in every way, in the absence of this gift. I asked Him to just keep walking with me.

So I gave it up. The dream I had held onto. I died a little that night and I wondered how He would make anything beautiful out of it. But as quickly as things had fallen apart, He came near and began to restore all of the brokenness. I still feel unworthy of how soon He came and made Himself known to me, because it was sheer mercy. One day later and I could feel His Spirit moving in my heart, opening my spiritual eyes to how I had gotten to this place, what I had tried to do on my own, how I had done so much wounding along the way without realizing it as I tried to "help" God's gift along in my life. The way my God-given desire in this area had turned into a right I felt I had to God's blessing. The fact that I had turned the God of the universe into my personal attendant of happiness. Seriously. I shudder at that. My holy God, who has done everything for me that I've ever needed, before I was even born, including the sacrifice of His own Son... treating Him like my personal genie. I had been so arrogant and stubborn.

I am so thankful for the awareness the Spirit gives to us when we honestly seek God. My eyes were opened to my sin, and as I confessed and asked for forgiveness, I realized that my perspective had to change. I'm not owed anything. Everything I have is a gift that is undeserved. My life is not about getting what God says He will (sometimes) give (to some of us). It's about living my life out of loving thanks for what He has already done, even if He doesn't give another good gift. It's enough.

I tended to the one in my life who was directly affected (deeply hurt) by the way I had been living, confessing what I now realized to be true about the things I had done and the ways it had destroyed relationship, and was met with loving forgiveness and gratitude for my new understanding. Hello, mercy. It's nice to see you again. Cool water to this burning soul. More evidence of God's active presence and Spirit in our lives.

And then I claimed the love and forgiveness of Jesus. That it would have no end in my life because He is the source. That I would always have more to pour out to others because it never runs out on me.

If you're still reading, I guess what I'm saying is that I learned this...

- God gives good and perfect gifts, but He gives them in His own perfect time, according to His wisdom and according to the plan He has for our lives. We will seldom understand it, but God doesn't call us to understanding. He calls us to love, to trust, to obedience.

- If I have an unmet God-given desire, I need to faithfully bring it before the Lord. I need to be honest with Him, asking Him to help me live in the tension of wanting what He says He can give, before it has been given to me. Asking Him to help me find contentment and rest in Him in the absence of the blessing. This cultivates a heart of humility, which mirrors that of Christ and brings God glory.

- The harder I chase the blessing, the more I miss the One Who Blesses. The only One who can truly satisfy my soul. The blessings will never fill me up. Yes they bring joy for a while, but God alone sustains my heart.

- Releasing what I desire to God allows me to live out the trust I have in Him. There is great freedom in believing and trusting that my life is unfolding according to His plan for me, and is not dependent upon me or the work I might be able to do to 'help it along'.

- When I find envy showing up in the corners of my heart, I need to listen to that. It says more about my heart, what I believe about God, and how I am choosing to worship Him (or not) than it says about others and what they have. Envy isn't really an issue with others - it's an issue of how I see God and what I believe to be true.

- Freedom from envy comes when I sacrifice my vision for the desires of my heart on the altar, letting them go and refusing to strive towards attaining them. It comes when I cultivate a spirit of humility, waiting patiently on The Lord. Trusting in Him because He is good, He is wise, and He loves me. He gives good gifts to His children, but He also sees the big picture. When I worship Him, I acknowledge that I am not God. And that is a very good place to be.

31 Days of Listening

I discovered recently that a lot of people do this thing in October where they write for 31 days on a topic - mostly as a challenge to themselves. They link up here, on The Nester's Blog, and become a little community. I'm peeking in on that writing community. I'm not a writer, and I don't aspire to be a significant one, but I have come to really value the process writing affords me as I journey through my faith and life. So I'm joining up with 31 Days, mostly to challenge and grow myself.

After brainstorming topics, I landed on listening. It's a theme I've been reading about, thinking about, and trying to develop in my daily life. I love to listen, but I realize that I'm actually very poor at it. Just because I lock eyes with you in conversation doesn't mean I'm truly listening to what you're saying - with your words but also with your silence, your expression and body language, your life, everything about you. Listening is such an engaging (exhausting!?) task. It takes thought, intentionality, time, effort... and surprisingly, it takes love. I want a whole lot more of that in my life.

A few of the areas I want to explore this month are:

Listening to The Word
Listening to Others
Listening to My Past
Listening to My Family
Listening to My Culture
Listening to The Holy Spirit
Listening to Myself

I chose these 7 areas because I have realized that they have so much to teach me, if only I will listen.

I'm praying that God would speak His Truth into my life as I spend more time in a posture of listening in order to learn and grow. To learn more about Him, others, myself, our story, and what He wants in my life.

So... to listening.

*Cheers.*

Fall Cider Donuts Recipe!

Baked Apple Cider Donut Holes

makes 24-48 mini muffins or "donut holes" 

Ingredients:

• 2 cups flour
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 teaspoons cinnamon
• 1 large egg
• 2/3 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup apple butter
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/3 cup honey
• 1/3 cup apple cider
• 1/3 cup plain yogurt (I used plain nonfat Greek yogurt)
• 2 Tbsp canola oil
• canola cooking spray
• 2 Tbsp unsalted butter
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 Tbsp cinnamon

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees and spray a mini muffin pan with cooking spray. 
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. 
3. In another large bowl, whisk together the egg, brown sugar, apple butter, vanilla extract, honey, apple cider, yogurt, and canola oil. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredient mixture and whisk until just incorporated. Don't over-mix - a few lumps are okay. 
4. Using a tablespoon or cookie scoop, fill a 24-hole mini muffin pan with the batter; fill each hole only 3/4 of the way, or you'll end up with huge mini muffins (maxi muffins?). Bake for approximately 10-12 minutes and cool on a wire rack. 
5. While donut holes are still warm, melt butter in a microwave safe dish. Combine cinnamon and sugar in another dish. Using a pastry brush, very lightly brush a tiny bit of melted butter onto the top of each donut hole, then dip the top of the muffin in the cinnamon sugar mixture. Roll the donut hole in the cinnamon sugar to coat the sides and top. Serve warm or at room temperature.

**Recipe taken from Feastie Blog:

http://www.feastie.com/blog/baked-apple-cider-donut-holes

Pizza Calzones

Adapted from a Pinterest recipe, here's what we're having for dinner tonight!

Pizza Calzones a la Livingstons
(makes 2 long calzones)

2 balls of pizza dough (from Whole Foods)
13 oz jar pizza sauce
12-16 oz shredded mozzarella
Grated parmesan (about 4 Tbsp total)
1/4 lb crumbled sausage (from Whole Foods pizza counter)
2 Tbsp butter
1/2 Tbsp garlic Powder

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

Lightly flour 2 feet of parchment paper. Stretch one ball of dough out into an approximately 2ft x 1 ft rectangle. Spread sauce longways down the middle third of the dough from end to end (making a 2 ft by about 4 inch strip of sauce). Sprinkle the sauce with sausage, mozzarella and a light amount of parmesan (1-2 Tbsp). Using a pizza cutter, slice the two long sides of raw dough into 1 inch 'fringe', perpendicular to the filling strip. Starting at the bottom, pull the first inch of dough up and across the filling, pinching down the dough into the other side of the dough, and trimming the excess dough off with kitchen scissors. On the other side, pull the other first strip of dough across the filling, pinch off and trim. Repeat in a criss-cross pattern until you get to the top. Seal up the two ends so that the sauce and cheese don't spill out during baking. Carefully transfer the calzone to a greased pizza stone or jelly roll pan (leaving behind the parchment paper). Re-pinch any openings between the dough to make a seal.

Repeat the steps above for the second ball of dough, creating a second calzone with just sauce and cheese (or add any other filling ingredients you might like... Pepperoni, hamburger, veggies, ham and pineapple...).

Transfer the second calzone to the pizza stone/jelly roll pan and bake until dough is just starting to turn golden brown.

Melt butter and mix with garlic powder and 1-2 Tbsp parmesan cheese. Brush onto each calzone and finish baking until the top is golden brown and dough is cooked through.

Let cool and slice into individual servings.

Deliver Me

I Shall Not Want
Audrey Assad
                        
         
From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
 From a life of worldly passions
     Deliver me O God
             

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

    And I shall not want, I shall not want
when I taste Your goodness I shall not want
when I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

****************************

This weekend I was surprised to stumble upon a few new (to me) blogs written by women who have such beautiful hearts and walks with the Lord that I had to share them with you. I added them to my sidebar blog list but here are the links anyways...

Chatting At The Sky

Sayable

I found the artist Audrey Assad and her beautiful third album, "Fortunate Fall" through one of my favorite blog posts ever, written on Sayable. The post is called "Giving the Lion His Just Desserts" written on Sept 5, 2013. Click that link and go ahead and read Lore's stunning words. And then sit in silence and wonder at the thought of beating the enemy to the truth about who we are and being delivered from the power of his accusation. Um, yeah. I want to do that more. 

Is that scary? Yes. For me, just NAMING things specifically makes me tremble sometimes. Am I the only one? But I have to wholeheartedly agree that any deliverance I've ever experienced in my life has not come without an honest look at my soul, asking God to help me really see, calling things what they are, and whether it's writing down somewhere what I see in my heart, or praying out loud and putting real words to the abstract or hidden, or (deep breath) telling my husband or a trusted friend about the dark corners that lurk... that is the way I crack the door and let the light in. 

And how it always floods in. Glorious Light. I never fail to find forgiveness and grace in my Savior. I am always surprised (why?) by His goodness to me. The depth of His love that I was sure could not reach below my darkest places. Evidence that I need to engage in this practice more. A lot more. 

So today I'm praying for courage. 

I want to be unafraid of so many things, but I'm starting with freedom from the fear of seeing myself as The Lord sees me. I want so much more courage to name the things I struggle with, to name my sin, and to stop the cycle of accusation and begin to really SEE. Begin to NAME. Begin to kill the lion and stop wasting time trying to tame him.

I wrote this morning in my journal about what it means to cry out to God for deliverance. "Deliver me!"... This isn't my prayer a lot of the time. It's not my battle cry. Mine sounds a lot more like "God, I want... Make me able, Lord..." and while those aren't wrong, I think in my heart and spirit I've missed the mark. Some things in my life? I cannot handle, not on my own. Some things are just God's alone to come in and deliver me from. And that requires total humility and submission on my part. Throwing my hands up and releasing control of all the trying and striving. Letting my Father do the work, in His way and in His perfect time. Keeping the posture of a lowly servant as He works His purposes out in my heart and in my life. 

God, I need you. Deliver me. 

Ephesians 6:10-20

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlesslymake known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains.Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

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What He teaches me through her friendship

I love the way the Lord takes the hard things in our lives and never wastes them. Sometimes (probably more often than not) what seems like barely-redeemed-by-the-skin-of-your-teeth might have actually been planned out before the creation of the world for - wait for it - your good and God's glory. I don't pretend to know how God works, or what He plans vs. what He allows (and everything that is wrapped up in that whole discussion), but I do know that He is sovereign, and He is intimately involved in every aspect of our lives. What matters to us? It matters to Him. He loves us SO MUCH. I have never been more convinced of this truth than I am now.

It's no secret that my bestie, Kacey, jumped the Wheaton ship for a two year stint in London at the beginning of the summer. I haven't been able to blog about it much because it's... well... complicated. I could hardly send her off with a proper goodbye (resorting instead to hurried "see you soon"s and willing the tears to dry up). She has yet to receive my going-away present because I still can't put it together. I have been excited with and for her while also feeling very selfish and dreading her absence in my life.

And it's been a jumble of emotions and experiences since the day they packed up and moved out of their house just 4 blocks from mine. Putting words to it has been hard but it's time that I tried because what I've learned about her, myself, our friendship, and most of all my Lord has been nothing but beautiful and glorious and so faith building. I want to capture a few things I've realized and learned so far.

1. To pray for nearly a decade for a close friend to walk with, and then finally be given that good and perfect gift from the Lord is to experience a little bit of heaven on earth. We long (esp as women) to be deeply known, cared for, and loved for who we truly are. For the three(ish?) years that Kacey and I have walked in close friendship together here in Wheaton, I have grown in my confidence, faith, trust and love for others - mostly though, my love for God. We are such different personalities with different gifts and talents and strengths, and the Lord knew we could really benefit from one another and that I would be sharpened by a friendship with her. She's the one who wasn't bothered by my kids' fits, really poor displays of behavior, sassiness (even when it was directed at her children), and general chaos. She's the one who always stepped into the messy, confused places I'd find myself and offer her presence, her coffee (and sometimes wine), her unconditional love and acceptance. She's the one who told me I could do it, and she's the one who did it next to me when I wasn't sure I could do it on my own. She prayed me through heartache and listened to me when I rambled and stumbled to find clarity. We read books together. We led small group together. We did a lot of processing-life out loud, asking each other good questions, challenging perspectives, and just knew intuitively when we needed to speak an encouraging word. She is one of those people in my life that can speak truth into my life or a situation I find myself in, no matter how tough it is to receive.

2. To be separated geographically from a friend this close is really hard. We went from nearly daily interactions to living on separate continents. From spending time multiple times per week or at least talking or texting every day, to sporadic long distance phone calls and the occasional choppy facetime chat. We write our thoughts to each other, but I am desperately missing those face to face chats that explain all that is happening underneath the words in a single expression, or how you're able to read how someone is really doing or processing a situation by watching them try to verbalize it? There's just something in all those non-verbals that is very important in a close relationship that we lose between London and Wheaton. It breaks my heart. I don't know the nuances of my dear friend's experiences, emotions, and thoughts, even when she tries to explain them - things I knew so well.

3. The Lord has always been in the details of their move to London... way back from the very beginning when it was brought up as a distant possibility, to the day they were house hunting and happened upon the flat they would end up calling home, to the timing of their eventual move across the ocean. No detail was overlooked by our loving Father and He attended to every one of their needs in really amazing ways. He weaved together the timing of their move in a way that was perfect, although along the way it seemed to drag on forever. He placed them in a home that fit the needs they had as a whole family. He planted seeds in their minds about the kind of education they envisioned for their girls, then brought that unforeseen opportunity to light once they had moved. AND SO MUCH MORE. He has been so faithful and so clear in His provision for them, that I could not bear witness to it and have it produce anything other than deep faith in a God I already loved and trusted.

4. The Lord had a plan for ME wrapped up in His plan for Kacey and her family moving to London. I didn't expect this at all. (I can be pretty dense.) I sort of thought I would suffer the consequences of losing my friend and just deal with it or manage the sadness. What I didn't realize was that before this friendship was ever given to me, the plan for it was written out by a loving God who sees to ALL of our needs, works in all of our lives, and weaves all things together by His grace and in His time. What seemed like an event for Kacey was the beginning of a huge spiritual learning curve for me, in so many ways. I have learned what it means to be a true friend spiritually - when she is hurting, struggling, discouraged, confused or having a hard day, our distance and time difference pretty much keeps me from doing the instinctive things I used to do as a friend. Bring her a sweet treat, offer a meal, have them over, drop over to offer comfort or just to listen, leave a note in her mailbox, etc. Basically, love her in a hands-on, very present way. Instead, the most important thing I can do for my friend who is thousands of miles away and 6 hours ahead of me is to PRAY. I get on my knees for her so much more now than I ever did (and that's not to say I didn't pray for her when she was here - I did!). It's just that when it's the only thing that is meaningful that you can do? You realize after doing it so repetitively out of a desperate need to care for a friend that it is THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR FRIEND. And the best thing I can do for myself. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me this. My faithful prayer over her life and spirit is more important and loving than any trinket I could leave on her doorstep, more lasting than a sweet treat that shows her I see her and I care, and even though those things are good and communicate love, they are not the things that last or move God's hand or knit our spirits and hearts together spiritually. As a result, our friendship does not ultimately suffer because of this separation and distance. It is knitting us closer together in Christ, and that is a beautiful surprise. Especially since half the time she doesn't know I'm doing anything at all.

5. Our distance has caused me to reevaluate my life - priorities, the way we spend time, relationships, patterns... I wasn't looking to replace my friendship with Kacey once she moved, or the time we used to spend together. I wanted to sit in the empty places and let it speak to me, let God move in a little closer as I felt the heartache of this (in-a-way) loss. Show me things I wasn't able to see while she was here, or close. And I'm so thankful that He gave me the strength to face the deep ache. I have found a sweetness in my intimacy with Him that honestly could have only come at this point in time, in this way. It's hard to put this into words, but it was a great tenderness on God's behalf towards me. He has been a constant companion in the times I have desperately needed my soul sister and not had her by my side. He has been so real and faithful to me, as He always has been and always will be, and it has opened my eyes to the ways that the blessing of close friendship can sometimes compromise that intimacy with our Savior (when it's easy to run to her instead of wait on and seek Him). I feel that I just have a greater awareness of how jealous God is of our hearts, and although friendship is a gift, it's never meant to take the place of our intimate relationship with Christ. And so, in the absence of my dearest friend's physical presence in my life, God has stepped in and reminded me that He really is everything to me. My relationships will be healthier and benefit so much more from this appropriate balance I am learning. Jesus is all. Jesus has the firstfruits of my time, energy, attention and heart. And other relationships are better and ultimately stronger because of that, but they come after. I can't wait for Kacey to move back and to continue on in friendship out of this new growth I've experienced. I will be a much better friend!

So Kacey, because I know you will read this...

I love you. I'm so thankful for you. I miss you and I'm praying over you today. Thank you for all you've been for me, for what you've taught me, for the ways you're still teaching me what it means to love God, be a friend, and be the best version of myself. You are such a gift in my life! Hurry home.