Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Wake up, sleeper.

Maddie has been under the weather lately. Her cold virus that just won't go away came on the heels of our decision to stop napping her during the day, as bedtime was greatly affected on the days that she did nap {as in, she was up partying in The Big Bed long after we had tucked ourselves in}. But now, this cold virus is draining all her energy, and although I will not lay her down in her bed, I permit her to doze off in the car, and fall asleep in the playroom durning "rest time" (above). The more activity going on around her as she falls asleep, the better (to her). She never fusses or whines either, just dozes off. 

I feel a lot like Maddie, currently. There's a lot going on around me, and I'm distracted by much of it and feel like I'm falling asleep at the (parenting/marriage/friendship) wheel. I retreat into myself a fair amount, whether it's obvious or not from the outside. 

Mentally I can't keep anything straight. I forget what day it is while at the same time am acutely aware of my gestational countdown. It's nearly impossible to focus on anything other than how and when I might go into labor, and how in the world I'm going to be able to know the difference between non-progressive contractions and active labor. I loathe one of two scenarios playing out: being sent home from triage repeatedly (false alarms), or laboring too long and missing my epidural window (horror of horrors, am I right?). I also can't concentrate on much of anything for very long. My thoughts wander, or I'll have a contraction, and just like that my train of thought is interrupted and all focus is lost. 

This is actually welcomed sometimes... I spend a good chunk of time every day (off and on) dreaming about the baby we are about to have... What her delivery will be like, those sweet first hours of getting to know her and comparing her to our other 3 babies, the visitors in the hospital - I love love love all of it. So much. But lately I've noticed that fear is creeping into my daydreams. "What if..." (Fill in the blank with any number of scenarios that are unexpected and unpleasant or worrisome.) As soon as these thoughts crop up I try to take them captive and make them obedient to Christ. Because they have no place in my mind and they are robbing me of joy and peace. I've seen plenty of friends walk through the "what if-s" of my mind and here's the truth of the matter: nothing could have been done to avoid it (God is in control), He has promised to use all things for His glory and our good, if we love Him (God is sovereign), and He will never ever leave or forsake me (God is faithful and good). He holds all time in His hands, including the future. He has already been in my delivery room. He sees and is intimately involved in the forming of my daughter who currently resides in my womb. Darkness to me is like light to Him. There are no hidden places. When I walk into my delivery room, whatever day that might be, He is not surprised. Nor is he unaware or standing in the corner with His hands tied. This is both a great comfort to surrender to, and the hardest thing to come to terms with (at times, esp heartbreaking ones). 

The truth is, we just can't know or control the future but it's a waste of time to fear it. We can only resolve to know Who has ordained all things, who lovingly cares for us in our deepest need and darkest hours, and trust that He will be there to lead us through whatever waters we might face in the future. Basically, that He really does love us and He really is good. 

And so I am determined to choose hope and joy as I anticipate the unknown. I will remind myself to breathe deeply instead of holding my breath. I will try to use and enjoy the days I have left before The Big Day, instead of just trying to survive them by means of distraction. 

This is really living, wide awake. 


kacey said...

it would probably be good if i didn't find out you updated until after my children go to bed…. ;) beautiful words from your beautiful heart. thank you for sharing. and oh, sweet, sweet maddie cakes. how do you not just watch her sleep?

Marisa said...

Thank you for writing this. Really encouraged my heart this am with some things I am working through. Love, Marisa