Give it up

Lent.

How did that sneak up on me today!? I'm disappointed in myself that today is the first day I have really thought about the Easter season and preparing my heart for it. We haven't been to church as a family in weeks, due to the way we felt we needed to prioritize life in the short term (translation: I simply could not handle anymore sickness, sleepless nights, trips to the pediatrician and anxiety over the health of my kids while dealing with increasing pregnancy challenges!). And although I'm so thankful for our family's general health in the last 2 months, we really miss worshiping as a community with our church body and the kids can't wait to get back to Sunday School.

Anyways, that is how Lent nearly left me in the dust this year.

I spent the quieter parts of the day thinking about how I wanted to engage my heart in the season of Lent as we anticipate Easter. I pondered what I could give up that would daily remind me to move towards the Lord in my sacrifice and increase my intimacy with Him in the process.

The usual suspects came to mind - TV, technology, desserts, things that generally lead to self indulgence, etc. But these fell flat and left me digging for something more meaningful.

It wasn't long before I knew in my heart what the Lord was quietly calling me to sacrifice. I mulled it over this evening and decided that yes, I engage with and have become more than acquaintances with something that has no place in my life whatsoever.

Fear.

I don't know exactly when its seed was planted or how the roots sank down so deeply and quickly. I am not sure if it has been the 'perfect storm' of challenging circumstances recently, if my pregnancy left me feeling more vulnerable, if the lag time between intensive Bible studies allowed my mind and heart to wander, or if it's all of that and maybe more grouped together... and Satan (oh yes I did just go there!) decided it was the perfect time to make his move.

But I'm going to actively give up fear, and the worrying and planning and scrambling that follows in its wake, and lay it down on the altar before God like the idol it is and has become in my own life. I hate that I ever bowed to it.

This might make perfect sense to a few of you who are reading - I would venture to guess that my young-mother-readers are the quickest to identify with how this can become such a stronghold in a woman's heart.

Fear has controlled my heart and mind (and subsequently my days) in a variety of ways. When Robbie was 2 1/2 weeks old, he projectile vomited for several days before he was diagnosed with Pyloric Stenosis and able to have the corrective surgery required. During a few of his last vomiting episodes in the hospital just prior to his surgery, he choked and Rob and I needed to call nurses into the hospital room to suction him and clear his airway. We were exhausted brand new parents, I hadn't even fully healed from the birth, and our nerves were raw. I didn't realize how that experience would leave its mark on me as a mom.

Fast forward to this past November, when Ellie spiked a 104.5 fever that caused a febrile seizure while I was home alone with the kids. Watching your child stop breathing in your arms and choke, then fall into an unresponsive state is horrific. And although I knew what was happening, and had the clarity of mind to tell myself in the moment not to panic because help was on the way / this happens to lots of little kids / there is little chance of any lasting damage, etc., that experience also left its mark on me.

Then came December and January, and my fears were realized. The kids came down with the stomach flu one at a time, then deep chest colds, then the stomach flu again, then gastrointestinal bugs, then Croup, and for weeks we had hardly a day between illnesses where everyone in our family was healthy. It was exhausting for me, as I was towards the end of the second trimester of this third pregnancy and already operating on limited physical and emotional energy. But something about my children physically vomiting triggered that deep anxiety that I had felt when Robbie was 2 1/2 weeks old and we couldn't get him to stop vomiting... and every time cheeks would get hot and pink and fevers would climb, I ran for the Tylenol and vigilantly stared at the baby monitor through the night, losing sleep over the idea that my child could seize again while I slept and what would happen then?!

Aside from fearing for my children's health, I began to worry that I wasn't a capable mother or able to handle the more challenging situations that we are often faced with as moms. I was so relieved when Rob would come home from work, and dreaded his leaving every morning. What would happen in the hours while he was away from us, and how would I manage without him?

I handled Ellie's second round of the stomach flu poorly while he was in Texas standing up in a dear friend's wedding at the end of January, and it was after that we decided to limit the kids' exposure to illness as much as we could. I was beaten down physically by all the illness and lack of sleep, but to be honest? I was a mess emotionally and my confidence was shot. Oh, and the thought of adding another totally helpless, dependent-on-mom infant to the mix in a few short months was frightening.

Thankfully, February was a month of introspection. It has been a process but I am so thankful for the growth I've experienced and confidence I've regained as I've addressed some of my fears and anxieties. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are leveling off here at the end as well, and the slow thaw of winter into spring is a reminder that better days are ahead. The to-do list is nearly completed for baby #3's arrival, and we are nestled together in our home and slower routine until we become a family of 5 in just 4 weeks or less. We are so excited to meet the newest Livingston and fall in love all over again. It's going to be wonderful.

Here's the thing, though. There will always be dangers and unknowns that threaten me, my husband, my kids, my unborn baby, our simple life, the dreams we have, the plans we might make. I am tempted at every turn to fear the unknown, the what-ifs, and to wonder if I have within me what is necessary to face difficult circumstances.

This is why I will be giving up fear for Lent. It's a daily discipline for me right now, to sacrifice the false sense of control that actually breeds fear. Instead I will pursue God himself, and put my trust in him, choosing to actively believe him every day.

The Bible study I'm doing right now couldn't be more perfect for where I am at spiritually right now and pairs perfectly with my needs. There is a 5-statement pledge of faith that we are to speak out loud repeatedly as we move through the study, and I think it's so timely that these 5 statements are helping to cast out fear in my heart.

1. God is who He says He is.

2. God can do what He says He can do.

3. I am who God says I am.

4. I can do all things through Christ.

5. God's Word is alive and active in me.

Right now, I am...

Loving:

- My new laptop (finally putting Christmas money to good use).

- Bookending every single day with the hottest shower I can stand. It's all that eases my discomfort and I'm glad now that we went with the larger-tank-size water heater a year ago when we had to replace our old one.

- The Beth Moore bible study I'm currently working through - Believing God.

- The evolution of family traditions; going out for pizza one night each weekend, pancake/egg/sausage breakfast on Saturdays, mommy getting a little extra sleep on the weekends while daddy gets the kids up (I am so spoiled).

- Two little voices singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" along with me after learning it in 2 days.

- Every time I tell Robbie or Ellie that I love them, they both respond with "I love you too, Mommy!"

- Ellie's new request to "Kiss you!" and then planting a sweet smooch on my face. Equally cute: "Hug you!" followed with a hug.

- How ripe the oranges and cantaloupe are right now. For some reason Ellie can't pronounce 'mellon' so she says "More 'bella' pease?". So cute. Robbie would eat an orange at every meal if I let him.

- The occasional indulgence of getting a pedicure, which for me is only really guilt-free when I'm pregnant.

Not at all enjoying:

- Having the strongest and longest contractions of the week on Saturday and Sunday nights. What is up with that? 2 weeks in a row...

- Angry outbursts from my sweet children, complete with objects being hurled through the air which sometimes land on me. Can I take the next month off from discipline? (Kidding... but it is exhausting to try to be consistent.)

- The thought of giving up my elastic waist pants in a few weeks.

Accomplishing:

- Hanging new curtain rods and drapes in the kids' rooms today, thanks to Rob. Bonus points for me because I ironed the curtains prior to hanging them.

- Cleaning, sorting and purging the house. The upside is that my random 'dumping grounds' are disappearing. The downside is that I am suddenly really bothered when the house starts out all picked up and neat in the morning and by lunchtime is totally destroyed.

- New sleeping positions that are creative and comfortable, although they require 5 pillows and being nearly-upright.

Forgetting:

- To send in my preregistration form to the hospital for the baby's birth.

- A family member's birthday last month.

- How to cook my husband dinner.

- What it feels like to simply fall asleep comfortably laying down with one pillow and achieve a good night of sleep.

- To pick up the camera and capture the kids at this stage, even though our days are simple.

- That my days of not watching what I eat are coming to a swift end.

Reading:

- Mystery fiction to empty my mind at night.

- One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp

Preparing:

- For a very special little boy's 3rd birthday party next Saturday.

- For warmer weather by adding a few spring clothing pieces to the kids' closets.

- A will, which is long overdue.

- To name our third child - we finally have name choices for both genders that we love! And I think you will be surprised, either way.

- For weekly OB appointments to start in one week. Home stretch!

- My hospital bag.

Believing:

- That the Lord sees the details of our lives, is paying attention, and is able to provide for every need.

On progress

Well February was kind to us, and we are looking forward to another new month and hopefully some warmer weather. It would be fun if this were the month we meet our newest addition - I am hopeful for an early delivery! We managed to keep everyone healthy last month, which seemed to require more effort than usual. We kept the kids out of the church nursery and public play places, tried to pay more attention to hand washing and sanitizers, wipes, eating balanced meals with lots of fruits and veggies, and guarding our rest times, and it seems to have paid off. A little extreme? Probably. But my sanity was at stake, and a pregnant momma can only take so many sleepless, worry filled nights of little kids coughing and vomiting, and I had exceeded my limit. It seemed like every time we came home from Sunday School or Monkey Bizness, someone was coming down with something. (My theory is their immune systems were weakened and having a hard time fighting off anything! I don't know if that is even possible but it seemed like our reality.) So we are looking forward to getting back into a more balanced, regular routine and activities... but for now it's important for us to pace ourselves.

I'm so thankful for the kids' health right now because as soon as we got that under control, I started to get much more uncomfortable with the pregnancy. The baby is definitely starting to drop, and I had forgotten what that felt like since Ellie was a breech baby! Many of the baby's movements now cause sharp shooting pains, the need to stop and be still or take a deep breath, and especially at night as I'm trying to fall asleep the need to change positions. Like my other two, this little one gets the hiccups frequently. Like Robbie, this one seems to have a foot poised just under my right ribcage and I have never wished for a longer torso more than I do when I am pregnant. My poor babes just run out of room to stretch and grow.

I thought, heading into this third pregnancy, how nice it would be not to be too surprised or worried about things since I've done this twice already (and not so long ago!). But like they say, every pregnancy is different. And while I haven't worried as much about things I tended to obsess over during my pregnancy with Robbie (blue cheese! caffeine! never skip the prenatal vitamin! don't lift anything over 8 lbs! hahaha...), and have felt much less anxiety about the birth and even bringing home an infant, this past weekend I was thrown a little curveball. Friday I was pretty uncomfortable in general - the baby seemed to be moving and changing positions a lot, and my stomach muscles were shot as I had not been cautious about how much I lifted and physically managed Robbie and Ellie throughout the week. By late Saturday night, after a fairly busy day that involved lots of activity and carrying/lifting the kids, I was having very real contractions and lower back pain. It was horrible and totally surprised me, since I didn't have a single painful contraction with either of the other two kids until the day I delivered both of them. They finally subsided after about 2 hours and since they were never coming at regular intervals I held off on going into the hospital to be monitored. At my regular doctor's appointment on Monday, I was told that this is actually fairly normal for a third pregnancy and that I can even expect to have more contractions from here on out, and not to be alarmed unless they present a pattern and start to come close together. Yikes, that was not fun to hear although it definitely made me feel less anxious about having experienced contractions at 34 weeks.

I have been trying to keep our days quiet and restful so that I don't experience any unnecessary contractions - they are stubborn when they come and so painful I can't do anything else until they subside, thinking and breathing included. And on the days I overextend myself physically, getting comfortable and relaxed enough to simply fall asleep is a chore no matter how exhausted I am. Yeah, that doesn't pair very well with mothering 2 other very active, small children! So although we are past the whole avoid-germs-at-all-cost phase, we have now entered the don't-do-anything-that-begs-for-early-labor phase!

I've had to adjust my expectations a lot recently (again - this theme seems like it will be a permanent fixture in my life as a mom, and I'm getting a little better at not fighting it). We were hoping to potty train Robbie before the baby comes, but he is just not ready. Also on hold is the process of transitioning to a big boy bed. We've had weeks of success but more nights than we can count of him refusing to stay in bed regardless of the consequences, and nothing we do seems to remedy this situation. Offering rewards for staying in bed and consequences for getting out don't seem to affect him. He cannot help but take advantage of the opportunity to roam around and stay awake. Put up a baby gate and ignore him when he gets out of bed, you say? He has responded by stripping himself naked and peeing on the carpet or 'decorating' his walls with poop when it's available if left unattended for long amounts of time, as well as shoving so hard on the baby gate that he knocks it loose. That one was especially bad - at least poop wipes clean. Sharpie marker on my favorite sheets is forever (although it could have been worse!).

Anyways, we have decided that the best thing for Robbie and our family at this time is to continue to make attempts at potty training and big boy bed sleeping, but not push the issue. He will show us when he is ready and developmentally able to conquer these things! Does it stress me out? A little. Mainly because at this point I am coming to the realization that I might very well have 3 children in cribs at the same time. Um, that seems a bit much. But whatever - I will just be that mom with those kids for a little while! There are upsides to having all of my kids contained during sleep times, and at this point I'll choose to acknowledge and take advantage of those benefits, thank you very much.

Also decided was the need to accept more help than I am able to give out at this point in time. This has been so difficult for me. I love to pour out for others, to be there in critical or difficult times for those I love, and to do extra things that are thoughtful and spontaneously communicate love and care. This season for me has not left room to do these things, and I have struggled so much with that. Not only am I just not able to extend myself for others (physically and otherwise), but I simply cannot keep up with some of the day-to-day things that I typically don't think twice about. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, even physically keeping up with my active little kiddos! I am spent. Accepting help in the form of having the sitter come over more often, or letting my usual household chores be tended to by my mom or by Rob has been hard. I just love being the one to be involved or to accomplish these things. As often as it seems best, I am trying to let go of what I 'usually' do or accomplish, and accepting a lesser standard from myself as well as accepting help from others to make up the difference.

So thank you, February, for being kind. You didn't dump too much more snow on us, and you were cooperative with slowly warming temperatures that allowed for what snow we did have to melt slowly and avoid flooding. But more importantly you will be remembered as the month I learned to a greater degree the necessity of flexibility, letting go, and being kind to myself and to my family. I hope that with each passing month I continue to grow in my ability to look inward at my family and decide what is best for us as a unit, and for each of us individually. It is so tempting and easy to compare myself, my family and my kids in particular to others around us. But it's damaging in so many ways to do that, and it robs me of peace and contentment. There is so much joy and goodness to be found in this phase of life, and in each day, and I don't want to miss it.

Elle-Belle (lately)

One thing is for sure. We are in love with our little girl and as her personality continues to unfold, we can't help but be charmed by her as well.

Not afraid of a little manual labor. Who needs snow in order to shovel?

This past week she made good use of my enormous baby belly and turned it into her personal footrest during diaper changes. I give her points for creativity. Cute, but less so when she decides to throw a fit and delivers a swift kick to my tender bump. I have to note that she constantly asks to see my belly by walking up to me and saying over and over "bellybellybellybellybelly" while tugging on my shirt until I bare my belly for her! She then proceeds to either gently pat it, kiss it, or just stare at it in wonder and exclaim "BELLY!". On her more mischievous days she'll try to sneak in a quick swat or two, and when I ask her to stop and firmly tell her 'no no', she gets this hilarious evil grin on her face and chuckles. Oh dear.

First, these are the best pigtails I've ever accomplished on her! It was a good hair day, and if you know Ellie you know her hair has a mind of its own right now. She really hates for me to put the pigtails in, but once they're there she forgets about them.

Second, this is how I occupy her if I need to get ready in the morning. She loves to mimic every step of my morning routine (brush teeth, hair, and makeup) and feels so special when I open up my makeup bag and let her have free reign. And yes, she knows what to do with all of the different brushes. That's my girl. ;)

Gaah. Aunt Megan took this one with her phone and I could just eat her up! She adores this kitty cat hat and begs me to put it on her all the time.

This was a few weeks ago - I didn't mean to pair such a wild coat with her oversized flower hat, but as we walked out the door it's just sort of what fell together. I'm all for a cute or sassy piece of clothing or accessory, but we tend to dress a little more quietly than this on any given day. In the car, she added the sunglasses as her own accessory of choice.

Too much??

So many reasons to love this little girl! She definitely makes us laugh.

Obligatory snow pictures :)

The beginning of February looked like this for us...

2 kids who forgot what it was like to play outside got all bundled up one Saturday morning, ready to venture out into our very own winter wonderland. (Don't you love the skeptical looks on their faces here?!)

I plopped them down in the bank of snow in our front yard, which was easily 3-4 feet tall from all the snow Rob had recently shoveled off the driveway.

They nearly gave themselves frostbite on their little cheeks because the entire time we were outside, they both insisted on eating the snow off their mittens. I love the curiosity and wonder that children have for simple things like how cold snow is on your tongue and how yummy it is to eat!

My handsome little guy.

Child labor. Clearly we were prepared - that shovel is her size! Haha.

The kids go for a walk down our deserted street - it was fun to see neighbors out shoveling their drives and walks and say hi.

I am so lucky these two are mine.

Our next door neighbors have kids a few years older than ours, and I can tell this summer will be the summer that they all finally enjoy playing together - Robbie's old enough to keep up and the boys adore one another. Here Robbie is enjoying the fruits of their labor - a snow slide!

They are sitting on a mound of snow so high that it covers the mailbox!

(We are in trouble if/when all this snow melts at the same time.)

Unfazed by the frigid weather - I think on this day it was in the teens.

Ellie acted like all the world was her personal walk-up buffet. She just kept trodding down the sidewalk between 2+ foot walls of snow and dipping her little hands down and shoving snow into her mouth. Good thing it's is low-cal. ;)

I made a big pot of hot chocolate from scratch once we were too cold to feel our faces, and while Ellie's was poured into a sippy cup still fairly cold, Robbie got to experience for the first time a mug of warm hot chocolate.

Complete with heart shaped strawberry marshmallows. Because I'm a sucker for seasonally shaped sugar.

He was so careful with his mug, and nursed that hot chocolate for a good half hour while discussing how 'tasty and sweet and good indeed!' it was in between sips. This kid. He kills me.

Daddy still had some shoveling to do so we watched from the front window. This picture reminds me of just how much I have to be thankful for (not that I quickly forget). A hard working husband who will do anything for us, two sweet kids who love us and just want to be with us, a warm home on freezing cold days... we are so blessed.

Ellie is our little bookworm right now.

After Rob came inside, we put the kids in a warm bubble bath and let them snuggle in our bed for a few minutes while we all got ready for a big fat afternoon nap. On this particular day both kids slept for 4 hours! Definitely makes all the effort of getting them bundled, playing outside, then unbundled, and finally bathed worth it.

A few more pictures just to document Blizzard 2011 in Wheaton.

Being buried in snow and freezing temperatures has meant many trips to the DD drive through for hot coffee and sweet breakfast treats. Oh who's kidding who, it's just my excuse for now.

And this one was too cute not to post, but it's from January - all dressed up for Church!

31 weeks

Yikes. Definitely falling into the category of women who look like they could deliver any day, but in fact are not due for 2 more months. This may be the first and last belly shot you see on here with this pregnancy. (You're welcome!)

Yeah, so...

We are still here. Apparently being a mom to an almost 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old while nearing the end of another pregnancy will kick your butt. Who knew?

The month of January (much like recent months) proved to be challenging and at times straight up difficult to manage. But in between our second round of the stomach flu (oh yes, they did both throw up again!) and my general slowing down in the third trimester of this pregnancy we have created our own fun and captured sweet memories that were even documented with pictures at times. I will upload them soon... I have to, or else I may only remember January 2011 as the month I spent in the basement doing sick laundry while Rob shoveled endless amounts of snow off our driveway.

Each month I have kicked myself for not taking belly pictures through this pregnancy, but to be honest? Not feeling so cute or slender or 'all baby!' these days, and who wants to put that on the blog for the world to see? Well, a few friends who live far away as well as relatives apparently do... so I'll attempt to snap those this week and get them up. Please be kind.