the in between

let it go...

let it roll right off your shoulder

don't you know

the hardest part is over

let it in

let your clarity define you

in the end

we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made

in these small hours

these little wonders

these twists and turns of fate

time falls away

but these small hours

these small hours still remain

let it slide

let your troubles fall behind you

let it shine

until you feel it all around you

and I don't mind

if it's me you need to turn to

we'll get by

it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made

in these small hours

these little wonders

these twists and turns of fate

time falls away

but these small hours

these small hours still remain

all of my regret

will wash away somehow

but I cannot forget

the way I feel right now

in these small hours

these little wonders

these twists and turns of fate

time falls away

but these small hours

these small hours

still remain

*little wonders

rob thomas

Things I learned from a power outage

We lost our power after that nasty storm blew through Wheaton on Monday morning. Thankfully, we got it back Tuesday night. That doesn't sound like a very long amount of time... unless you factor in the stifling heat and humidity we were experiencing, our home's tendency to be warm on the upper level where the bedrooms are, and having 3 small kids. We jumped ship and packed our bags for my mom's house at bedtime the first night, and stayed there until our power was restored. These are the lessons I learned in the meantime!

- The DVR does is not able to record shows during a power outage. (Why, oh why, am I caught up in The Bachelorette? Ridiculous.)

- Sometimes it's nice to have a reason to break out of our normal routine - we spent 36 hours at my mom's house in the middle of the week, where the air conditioning blew freely and the refrigerator was running. Although we missed Rob, it was out of the ordinary and refreshing to enjoy 'Camp Mima' for a while.

- I have to pack up a ridiculous amount of stuff for just one or two nights away with our 3 kids. It will be nice when they're older and don't require quite as much gear, and we are able to move about and travel a little lighter.

- The baby always hates the pack and play the first few times you make him/her sleep in it. Don't be afraid to allow time for adjustment. Maddie screamed for 2 hours the first night I slept her in one at my mom's house, and by the time we left she was a pack and play pro. Might as well get past that hurdle now, while we have to.

- I cannot get it through my thick skull that when the power goes out, the oven does not work and the water dispenser in the fridge is also negatively affected, but that we are still able to flush toilets and have running water from the tap, both warm and cool. These things surprise me every time. Why can't I log this information away?

- Next time we lose power, I will immediately remove cheap popsicles from our freezer and fill that space with refrigerator items that are expensive, like beef and chicken.

- The best kind of flashlights are the ones you don't have to hold with your hands. I found disc-shaped lights at the hardware store that sit flat on a table or floor and light up an entire room. They run on AAA batteries and I love them. So much safer and more practical than candles, especially with kids in the house. And my hands were free to do whatever else the kids needed me to do with/for them.

- Candles work well in a pinch, especially when you need to take a shower in a bathroom without windows. I might have to do that again, even when we have power! Surprisingly very relaxing.

- Saying goodnight to Daddy via Facetime only makes Robbie miss him more, instead of having the opposite effect. Similarly, I do not enjoy being separated from my husband for any amount of time, especially overnight.

- Many people around the world live without power every day. I completely take it for granted... Less so now.

Remember when my in-laws were in town?

It was the end of June! I'm so behind. But these pictures and our time together were too good not to share. And I want to remember everything I can about our long weekend together. Also? I'm really glad that my brother in law, Marc, isn't a professional photographer (although he could be!), because I just might have saved a bunch of the pictures he took into my own iPhoto and uploaded them here. Copyright infringement, anyone? You'll know his shots. They're at the end and they're the amazing ones.

We ate all our meals out on the deck, which was so fun.

My mom stopped by one evening for a few hours to say hello to Rob's family. (Love this picture of her and Maddie!)

Rachel and I have the same fondness for babies. ;) They hadn't met Madeline prior to this visit.

If there was any doubt whether or not Robbie enjoyed his cousins...

We celebrated a lot of birthdays that weekend, including Grammy and Papa's.

A few from the party that Marc took, which I love...

This picture below cracks me up - Heather and I are lunging to protect Ellie from the pinata that is swinging in her direction, while she stands happily unaware of the danger. That little look on her face and her belly all popped out!? LOVE.

Gathering the loot.

Robbie's first taste of pixie stix. Once it went up the back of his throat sort of into his nose (remember how it would do that!?). I am a borderline bad mom and LOVED introducing him to these. "Here honey, pour sugar into your mouth! It's awesome!" Don't worry, I'm over it. It was great.

The musical card from Aunt Kelsey had Ellie totally perplexed and entertained for quite a while. She loved it. Open. Close. Open. Close. Repeat x 100.

What Livingston men do... they wrestle. (Here, Robbie and Papa.)

Blowing out her birthday candles.

These two were buddies all weekend long. It was adorable to watch their friendship grow.

Instigating...

...payback for the instigating he did earlier!

They spent all evening after dinner wrestling in the backyard one night. I had to scrub Robbie's feet and legs with a nail brush to get all the dirt off! The marker of a good day.

Nicholas and Robbie rolling down the hill in the backyard.

We took the kids to the DuPage Children's Museum one morning (I stayed back with Maddie and then drove over to pick up Ellie for naptime).

And just before everyone had to leave for the airport, we went to the Arboretum. A perfect way to end our time together.

Papa, Robbie, James

From left to right: Katelin, Nicholas holding Maddie, James, Robbie, Ellie.

BEST COUSINS PICTURE EVER! (Except that I forgot to put Robbie's matching Superman Tshirt on him... huge bummer.)

Family picture - always comical to attempt with so many kids.

Rachel and Marc, we cannot say it enough but thank you for how much trouble you went to in order to make this trip happen! It was so amazing. I wish we could spend time together with our kids like this every day. I'm so glad that we are family - you are so special to us.

And mom and dad, thank you for making the trip possible... for traveling with the DeBlocks and helping us manage all the kids while we were together. (Have you recovered yet!?)

We love you all so much!

Unfailing love

Psalm 147: 1-11

"Praise the Lord.

How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars and calls each of them by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.

Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; make music to our God on the harp.

He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills.

He provides food for the cattle and for the young ravens when they call.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."

*****************************

I am so thankful that I read this Psalm this morning before the kids have even stirred. I need a fresh start today, because yesterday ended badly. (Like, Ellie sobbing so hard she nearly made herself throw up, among other things that may or may not have included me lacking the patience and gentleness my kids deserve.)

A couple of things stand out to me this morning from this Psalm...

- the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. I think that includes moms who feel like they fail their kids every day in some way. What is more heartbreaking than not being able to be the mother you want to be to the most precious, moldable and innocent people in the world to you? So glad to know that He is near to me, especially since I am in this state more often than not.

- God determines how many stars there are; he is mighty in power and his understanding has no limit. For me this means that God is paying attention, and that He has ordained things that I might not have thought He ordains. I am glad I've been learning about giving thanks lately - that it's necessary to thank the Lord for everything in all circumstances and what that does for my heart (especially when I'm giving thanks for my challenges and disappointments). It trains my heart to focus on him and step outside myself. You can bet I'm thanking Him for the sleep challenges we are having. It feels unnatural, and then this burden is lifted and I see things differently, even if for a short time, until I come back to the discipline of giving thanks again. I am resting in His sovereignty and power today, thankful that He is what I am not, and I don't have to understand it.

- The Lord provides what the earth needs, food for the animals, and for the young ravens when they call. All I have to do is humble myself and call out to Him for what I need every day, and I'll receive it. (Not talking about health-and-wealth gospel here, but spiritual needs.) How often I don't even take that simple step because it requires humility and the self awareness to realize that I can't draw on myself for things I don't possess. Strength. Patience. Selfless love. Kindness. Forgiveness. Am I the only one who tends to feel sheepish when I keep asking God for these things each day? That's such a human thought - 'I should have this down by now, I shouldn't need Him for such basic things every day. This is disappointing to Him.' Which brings me to my next lesson learned, and it happens to be my favorite.

- God is not pleased by our strength, abilities, appearance... but he delights in those who fear him and put their hope in his unfailing love. If that doesn't give you hope and peace and joy, I don't know what will. This is good news for me today. There is a reason the gospel of Jesus Christ is called The Good News. I will keep coming to His throne and resting in His presence, asking Him for what I need for the day, begging forgiveness, praising His Holy Name, and believing that He is with me and intimately involved in my life.

Thin

There is a well worn path from our master bedroom to the kids' bedroom. I cannot count how many times in the last 2 months I have trodded down the hall in the groove of the carpet that was probably once very fluffy and padded but is now wearing thin. (As thin as my patience?!) There is something unnecessary about the amount of space used up in my brain by the knowledge of where exactly to step so that floorboards don't creak, and how to turn doorknobs and apply just enough pressure up or down or to the side so that doors don't pop as they open.

For the love of all things good why won't my children sleep like normal human beings? This is not rhetorical. I need an answer at this point. If you feel so inclined, offer up your best insight.

Lots of kids share rooms. I know, because I have polled my friends. And then I have texted, called, and emailed those friends begging them for advice about sleep training (all over again) because of what a train wreck introducing room sharing can be with siblings. I have tried everything, and like a boomerang the problem not only returns but usually smacks me upside the head to boot.

Take for instance what is happening in my kids' room right now, as I type. Last night we purchased a room divider from Pier 1 Imports. A room divider, people. In hopes that keeping our kids from having a visual on one another would decrease the temptation to wake or keep one another awake by talking and calling out from their respective cribs. You know what? My kids think it's AWESOME. So awesome, in fact, that they're all hyped up and calling out to each other over the makeshift partition. I just heard Robbie yell out to Ellie "IT'S COOKING TIME!". I don't even know what that means. I don't want to.

I. just. want. them. to. quiet. down. and. rest. (See what I did? I didn't even ask for sleep. Just a little rest time. I'm reasonable / desperate like that.)

You know what I think is the most bewildering part about the general sleepless state of our household right now? Ok, sorry - there are two things. 1) I spent a lot of time and energy sleep training Robbie and Ellie from the time they were 3 months old. It paid off. They have been great sleepers up until now. 2) I have a newborn (well, 3 month old) who although still requires a night feeding or two IS ABLE TO SELF SOOTHE AND PUT HERSELF TO SLEEP FOR NAPS AND NIGHTTIME SLEEP. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you.

Since I can't get enough sleep myself to function like a proper mother - you know, with reserves of patience and creative play and high energy outings, oh my! - I have taken up the fine art of pretending I'm not as exhausted as I really am. I apply concealer, restrict myself most days to one cup of coffee, attempt to pick up the house each night, make time to shower, blow dry my hair and do my makeup regardless of what we are or aren't doing each day, and generally carry on. I'm not trying to fool anyone else - just myself. Am I alone in this? Does anyone else feel like to sit down and admit defeat and perhaps shed a tear or two will send them headfirst into uselessness and unnecessary self pity?

I may attempt to drown my frustration in lattes or chick lit or The Bachelorette. But I will make it through this sleepless phase until it passes. (I will make it through... I will make it through... I will make it through...)

Happy 2nd Birthday, Ellie

Dear Ellie,

You just turned 2 years old. The week of your entrance into the "tricky two's", as a good friend re-labeled them, you pulled an all nighter. That pretty much sums up our phase of life right now!

Good sleep is hard to find, especially when the power goes out during a fierce storm. How's a little princess supposed to catch her beauty sleep when the sound machine is silent and the room is hot!? Turns out, you'd rather be bouncing between mommy and daddy on their bed anyways, playing with the only source of light at the moment (a headlamp), doing tripods and declaring 'Watch ME!' before doing something amazing like throwing your hands in the air. ;) Upon hearing this story, multiple people asked why we didn't turn on the TV or a video for you so that we could sleep!? To which I reminded them, if we had electricity, we wouldn't have been in that situation. Haha.

Finally getting some shut-eye... at 5am. You are such an angel while you sleep, regardless of the shenanigans you pulled during the wakeful hours preceding this moment.

So now, you are two! We threw you a party. I thought the hot pink rimmed zebra print plates matched your sassy personality right now, and that was the party theme.

Your grammy, papa, aunt Rach, uncle Marc, and cousins Nicholas, James and Katelin flew all the way from New Jersey to celebrate with us!

We are finally at the point where we need children's entertainment at parties, and the pink pony pinata seemed like a winner.

You gave it your best crack, but you're a gentle soul.

I love that you still have one foot in the baby stage and the other is making a break for it, anxious to become a big girl. For now, your cheeks remain chubby and your arms firmly wrapped around my legs, and you are quick to beg "Hold you, mommy?".

You are an interesting blend of adventurous and content, tough and sensitive, carefree and whiny (it had to be mentioned!). For as often as you challenge my patience or demand my attention, you bring joy to my heart and laughter to our days.

You have grown incredibly fond of your big brother as of late. You two share a room now, and while it continues to present unforeseen challenges, you adore being near him at all times. Heaven forbid I lay you down before Robbie, or remove him from his crib and leave you in yours for any reason. The other night you were keeping him awake and when I took him out of his crib to allow you to fall asleep first, you quietly and sadly sobbed into your loveys, heartbroken over the separation.

You have many loves: your loveys, mash-ups, the VReader, the sand and water table, dress up clothes, my make up bag, dip of any kind but particularly ketchup, climbing at the park, jumping on the trampoline, cleaning {anything} with wet wipes, Micky Mouse Clubhouse, your doll house, Robbie's toy cars and trains, and animals.

Things you are not fond of: not being given exactly what Robbie is given, any vegetable except for carrots, plain milk, descending stairs by yourself, being messy or dirty, when we forget to give you the proper utensil at mealtime, your continued struggle with your milk allergy and constipation.

Your go-to phrases:

"Now MY turn!"

"Whatcha doin' there, mommy?"

"Where Robbie go?"

"Look, mommy! I did it!"

"A new cup, too!" (translation: get me something to drink)

"I'm doin' laundry." (as you fold your blankie)

"Medicine throat" (I don't feel well)

"Church! Play with kids!"

"Yeah, OK mommy."

"Mommy, look! A ___!" {fill in the blank with ANYTHING}

"Brush tangles."

You amaze us with how well developed your language is as well as your preferences. You know what you want and you let us know. You have started to sing made up songs absentmindedly while you play or we walk someplace. You can recite many of the books we regularly read to you without our help. You don't particularly like to sing songs, and if mommy starts to sing TO you? You nearly always ask me to stop. (I know I don't have a great voice, but seriously! What child cares!?)

You are beautiful and unique, inside and out. A sweet companion to your big brother and doting second mother to your little sister. Ringlets that make us jealous. Big eyes that have us wrapped around your little finger. Sweet lips that like to kiss "both cheeks!" at bedtime and whisper prayers of thanks to God for your food and your family.

{Your brother landed a swift kick to the underside of your chin one afternoon at the library and you bit your tongue on both sides. It was a gusher. I was not happy.}

Sweet Elle-belle, has it really been 2 years since they pulled you sideways from my belly!? Your birth-day was magical to me, and every day since has been a gift worthy of thanks to God. I can't wait to watch you continue to grow up into the little girl He made you to be! You are already amazing to us and we love you with all our hearts.

XOXO,

Mommy