Monday, November 3, 2008

A Quiet Heart

It is so hard to have.  I am learning every day that my attention is captured by things that are so meaningless and fleeting.  I often feel disappointed in myself, embarrassed by how quickly I stray from my Savior in my heart, frustrated by my regression.  When I am quiet, humbled, honest, broken and forgiven all over again, and my full self is exposed to the One who knows every nook and cranny and loves me still, my heart thirsts most for the things of God.  To be more compassionate.  To be quicker to forgive, listen, love, accept, share, give, sacrifice.  To find the broken and listen to their story.  To protect our little ones who have zero defenses and trust us completely.  

But when I forget to quiet my heart (or at least one part of my day so that I can assess the condition of my heart), I find that the days pile up with  meaningless desires, and quests for things or people to fill up a space that only Jesus can take up residence.  Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not.

Tonight I'm just thankful that I can keep coming back to Jesus every time I get to this point, and he will never shame me.  He waits for me to come to him and ask for forgiveness so that he can renew my heart.  Thank goodness for the grace he pours out on me each day - when I ask for it and when I don't.  I have always said that I'm convinced that God's hand is on my life - that anything good that has happened or been given to me is from Him and has nothing to do with me.  (And when I've begun to walk down the wrong road, I have been gently corrected and re-directed.)  I believe this more and more as I get older, and as I experience more of His blessings.  I'm overwhelmed by the goodness he pours out on me and on my little family, when I am so undeserving.  

Even more so, tonight I was struck by the way He uses the gentleness in my husband to continue to shape and discipline my heart.  I am pretty good at convincing myself of things occasionally, and can develop a one-track mind.  If you know me at all, you are laughing at this point because you know it's true!   Tonight Rob gracefully walked alongside me as I showed him this new little 'road' I'd found (and was growing quite fond of).  He took a look at the landscape, and with the wisdom of a man who seeks God so that he can lead his family, he gently redirected my gaze.  As I sit here sharing my thoughts with you, my admiration for him is still growing.  And although I am slightly disappointed with myself for allowing my drive and desire to move me forward prematurely down a road that might not have been the best, I know that this is precisely why God created marriage.  I am so thankful for this gift, another act of grace on God's behalf in my life.  Nothing that I deserve, but apparently something He thought would be a blessing in my life for His glory (turns out He was right).

I pray for more quietness in your heart too, even if it can't be found in your day for any number of reasons.  Quietness brings reflection, which can bring brokenness that draws us to our knees.  And that is where we find (hear, see, touch the hem of) Jesus.  The most beautiful place.

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