Like I said in a message to a friend this evening, it was a day that the enemy tried to make me believe his lies (when you really call a spade a spade). That I'm not making the right choices, that my to-do list is not shrinking, that I'm not fulfilling others' expectations, that I'm not mothering Robbie well when he is finding it difficult to keep to his sleep schedule, that I'm not keeping up with the things I need to be doing or the people I want to be connecting with... and because of these things, I'm not a very good mom / wife / friend / daughter. The final discouraging thought at the end of the day was that none of these things (or roles that I play) are going to get easier as I get closer to my due date, and as Robbie gets more and more active and curious.
I was really thankful that it was fairly mild early this evening, and I took Robbie and his buddy Riley (whom I was watching) for a wagon ride so that I could get a breath of fresh air and clear my mind and heart. Did I mention that I took a big cup of coffee with me? Full-octane.
I spent quite a while walking up and down our sidewalk, pulling the wagon, contemplating my day, my life, my God, my priorities and the Truth. I came to peace with the fact that I accomplished nothing today, and yet the day still held value. I redefined in my mind what success looks like as a mom. I reorganized my priorities (worship, then others, THEN things to do). I asked God for more humility and grace, because often the frustration I battle is born out of a belief I hold that I should be able to be or accomplish something specific, which probably smacks of pride to God. I thought about the 2 little lives that depend on me every day (in different ways) for survival, and I thought about my husband.
I gave up being mad at the day.
This is the day that the Lord has made... let us rejoice and be glad in it.
In order to rejoice and be glad in today, I needed to be willing to listen to God's quiet voice, and learn about myself and make some adjustments in my heart and mind. That brought redemption to the frustration. Hopefully it will cause me to also bear more fruit of the Spirit. It allows me to move forward without wasting the past because I am building on it.
The day ended on a positive note, as I had the chance to catch up with my little sister over the phone and be excited with her over what is going on in her life right now. I am looking forward to tomorrow and another chance to grow (and rejoice and be glad), whether the day is difficult or full of blessing.