Sunday, March 27, 2011

On making peace with the present

I have finally felt the Lord's peace come over me in a way I've been missing for several months. After another day of painful contractions and kids who are going stir crazy and literally bounce off my belly as they play (ouch!), I have still been able to quiet my heart and see God's hand on this process. I don't know what the difference was tonight, but things are becoming a little more clear.

Maybe it was the entire afternoon/evening visit from my sweet friend Megan, who is always encouraging and comforting and loves each of us so well. Maybe it was the much needed 'this is how I'm really feeling about what's coming!' conversation Rob and I were able to have before bed, which ended with the decision that we will take things moment by moment and day by day, not looking too far ahead, and feeling so incredibly thankful that this is the man I am married to. Maybe it is the way our families have all reached out to us to offer support and encouragement across the miles, or are coming over to physically help me with the kids. Maybe it is hormones or the nesting instinct that kicks in to help prepare your body and mind for labor. Maybe it is the fact that we have finally decided on a name for our baby! Maybe it is all of the comments, texts, emails, phone calls and words of encouragement you have offered to me.

I think those things are all helping me with my present state of mind, but I believe that God is the one who is doing a work in my heart. Heaven knows it takes a miracle to get a stubborn, controlling mother to let go of her need to make plans and relax into the unknown. It all comes back to why I gave up fear for Lent, right? Behind every irrational concern and effort to make a perfect plan for the unknown future is my fear of the worst case scenario unfolding. That's not to say that we don't do our part to prepare and have foresight...

But for me, this process has really revealed the depth to which my heart wants control over my life, and how little I really trust the Lord like I ought to. So today I began to mentally surrender myself to the fact that God is in control of my life and the life of our unborn baby, including how and when the baby will come. I surrendered myself to the contractions that won't go away, and the pain that stops me in my tracks several times each hour, refusing to let them upset or discourage me as much as they have been. I surrendered myself to the idea that my new wake up call comes at 5:30am, thanks to a little boy who rises early and enjoys new freedoms that come with a big boy bed, like getting out of it! I don't have the energy to fight any of this anymore, and it's definitely time that I stop resisting what I cannot change anyways. It makes me miserable.

What I have found is that there is so much to be thankful and joyful about from this new vantage point. It's much better that God is in control of my life - he is all knowing, all powerful, and knows and loves me (and my little family) more than anyone else. It is good to progress slowly with early labor, and each day our little one remains in my womb is another day that the baby is strengthened and prepared to enter the world. It's worth celebrating that Robbie loves his big boy bed and sleeps in it all night, even though he rises earlier now. He is growing up and needs time to adjust to the big changes happening in his little world. Plus, it is great to have a few hours in the morning when just the two of us are awake - he loves the individual attention.

So although I am still hopeful that the baby will come sooner rather than later, I am not going to dwell on it. I am going to focus my energy and attention on the present moment, giving thanks for all that the Lord has provided for me and appreciate the blessings He has given to me to enjoy today.

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