Figuring it out... maybe.

Sunday and Monday were harder days to get through - anticipating Rob leaving our home on Monday morning for work was overwhelming to me if I'm being honest. He has been so much help - taking care of Robbie and Ellie so that I could really rest and recover as much as possible physically, doing dishes and laundry and keeping the house picked up, not to mention the emotional support he has been to me throughout each day. I knew it would be hard to face Monday without him! Thankfully my mom was able to be with us in the morning, and then my sister and dad came over in the afternoon, so the only time I was without help was from 5am, when Robbie decided to start his day, until my mom came around 7:30am.

Maddie had been up every 1 1/2 to 2 hours nursing through the night, so coupled with Robbie's early wake up call, I was a tired, emotional mess on Monday. I had to take Maddie to her follow up pediatrician appointment to confirm that her bilirubin levels were within a safe range (they were!), and when I came home Robbie's behavior was at an all time low. After taking him upstairs for a talk and discipline, he cried to me that he had missed me while I was gone that morning. What choice did I have but to cry along with him at that point!? :) So much mom-guilt and postpartum hormones that will not be missed once this phase has passed.

Monday afternoon Robbie decided to give head butting a try, and cracked Ellie square in the face out of nowhere by diving at her head first while she sat in her little chair watching TV. It was such a shock and the crack I heard when their heads hit was so loud I thought for sure Ellie's nose would be broken and start gushing blood right away. She recovered after a few minutes of crying and didn't even sport a bump or bruise. She is the toughest little girl I have ever known. Good thing. In moments like this it is hard for me not to respond to Robbie out of anger or sheer frustration at being unable to keep these two from injuring one another at times. The Lord is not giving up on refining me in this area.

We ended the day by coloring pictures to hang on the garage service door to welcome Daddy home on his birthday. After the kids went to bed I made a birthday dinner of steak, asparagus, baked potato, salad, bread and blueberry pie with ice cream for him. Several parts of the evening also included me crying - as I did the dishes, when Robbie made a huge mess with his cupcake for dessert and started flinging crumbs everywhere, while I rocked Ellie to sleep, as I washed my face before bed, basically anytime I thought back over the day and my soreness. Poor Rob - happy birthday!

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Today was a completely different story, for which I am so thankful. Last night we decided that Robbie needed to be sleeping in his crib for a while longer until he's able to fall asleep on his own sooner in the evenings, and sleep in later than 5am in the mornings. It's more than I can handle right now, being up through the night already with Maddie. We don't need more reasons to be sleep deprived. So we put both kids in their cribs last night and although Ellie woke up at 2am ready to play (why we have no idea, she is our champion sleeper!), both kids slept in until 8am this morning. I think Maddie even gave me a 4am-8am stretch, although I can't be certain. I was shocked to see what time it was when I rolled over and looked at the clock - this was certainly a gift from the Lord, as I ended the day yesterday feeling very sore, exhausted, and somewhat defeated. I was discouraged that the first day home without Rob here was so difficult, even with my family's help.

My sister came over this morning and we got brave and put all 3 kids in the van and got coffee and donuts. Robbie tested out his new big boy booster seat in the 3rd row in the van, and seemed to enjoy his new position. We really hyped it up, and he felt special that mommy wasn't handing him donut holes one at a time, but instead he got to pace himself with his own cup full of chocolate munchkins. It was a beautiful sunny morning, so we drove around for a little while enjoying our breakfast while Maddie slept the entire time. The kids were so much more well behaved today, and I credit the extra sleep they got last night. I even had a few moments of unexpected productivity (thanks to Kelsey's extra set of helping hands) and did the dishes, ran some laundry, took a shower, made a few medical office / insurance phone calls and paid doctor bills. Look out!

I love the way the day ended - a delicious meal from a sweet friend who is also a very busy mom herself, reading books together as a family before the kids went to bed and singing songs about Jesus with them while marveling at how much Ellie is able to recite already! Nursing Madeline to sleep and watching little drops of milk escape from the corner of her mouth as she curls up warm on my lap. Sitting here in bed, capturing the essence of the last few days so that I don't forget later on how things were. Making a list in my mind of important things to do in the next few days - adding to my thankfulness journal, holding a mini photo shoot of Madeline in front of the living room window, ordering birth announcements, writing in her baby book, capturing the event of her birth and my thoughts towards her in the journal I keep for her.

I am so thankful for the Lord's provision of extra rest at a time I really needed it, for the encouragement of a few key friends last night, for my family's willingness to come over to our house and help in whatever way is necessary as often as they are able, for the meals we are being blessed with that allow me to spend the hardest part of the day being attentive to my kids' needs instead of preparing dinner in the kitchen, and for sunnier warmer days.

Today was a really good day.